I was digging through old files, and found the essay I wrote when I was applying for admission to UC Santa Cruz. I was a student at Cabrillo College, a community college in the area. I had been studying for around 3 years after dropping out of high school at the age of 15.
I didn't look to anybody for advice about writing college essays. Nobody proofread it. I cringe at some of the writing, but overall I think it's pretty good. Or, at least it's me.
Presented with only minor typographical corrections and without many regrets:
An unending flow of questions and concerns punctuated my
breathing as I made my way to school on my first day in the tenth grade. I
found myself traveling not by a conventional youth method (bicycling,
skateboarding, etc) but as a small part in a gigantic rolling ball of confusion.
My biggest concerns were based on peer approval, and at the time it would seem
that even succeeding in wearing the right color socks would be enough to make
my day a good one. I started the tenth grade as I had started every other
year of my public education career, but in short time I made many
changes to the physical and mental realities in my life. Through an
ongoing exercise of introspection, I came to know myself more honestly
than I ever had before, and, using this is a catalyst for change, altered
my priorities and left high school for higher education at Cabrillo College.
Before that major turning point, I had spent most of my free time
worrying what other people thought of me. I daydreamed about
befriending the right person, and having my dull, meaningless life magically
transformed into one of meaning, excitement, and most importantly, popularity.
I considered myself cursed; every time I even began to become friends with
someone, he would inevitably abandon me at the request of his more important
friends. Evidently, they saw me as some kind of social leper, with a disease
so potent, that if contracted, could reduce each of their lives to the same
ruined shambles mine lay in. Indeed, my social standing seemed irreparable,
and after countless iterations of this same scenario, I had all but resigned
to being content with a life of melancholy.
In my loneliness, I looked to my hobby of computers as an escape, as
I had done throughout my childhood. Even at the onset of my computer
days, when playing video games was the extent to which I used them, the
computer was always responsive to to my loving [key]strokes. As the years
passed, and the methods with which I communicated to the computer became
less exciting, I would supplement my arsenal of computer skills with
something new to hold my interest. By the tenth grade, I had learned to
write my own computer programs, was somewhat familiar with the
hardware (machinery) side of the hobby, and had even started making use of
the computer facilities at UCSC. The multi-user social computer environment
at UCSC was especially fascinating for me, because I could practice social
skills with which I had remained deficient in the real world.
In the first month of the tenth grade, I had become friends with someone
who had just returned from a year of studying in Finland. He had been an
acquaintance before he left, but we'd never had anything much in common. While
staying in Finland, he had become involved in the punk-rock music scene, and
when he returned to the United States, he introduced me to some of the music
he had started listening to. He gave me a tape on which he'd compiled
several songs by four classic punk-rock bands: NoMeansNo, DOA, The Misfits,
and the Dead Kennedys. I listened to the tape once and was not impressed;
the songs were loud, obnoxious, and seemed void of any musical value.
I listened again though, and yet again, and each time I listened I heard
something new from the music that appealed to my ears and mind. The noise
had actually started to sound like music and as my mind caught up with the
tempo, I was able to make out some of the words. The messages that came
through the words were like aural candy for my ears! Finally I had found a
breed of music that was expressing what I had always felt in my heart. As
if they had used my life as a model, the lyrics confirmed to me the hardships
of growing up and living in an often emotionally callous society. Inspired
by this small collection of songs, I began to feverishly search for more of
the same. To say that punk-rock music played a vital part in the transformation
of my insecure, self loathing mind into a thinking, optimistic one would be
an understatement. Using the spirit of punk-rock music as a road atlas to
my own mind, I began the life-long journey toward fulfillment and happiness,
stopping only for sightseeing along the way.
With a new self respect and dedication to self improvement, I made
the decision that acceptance by my high school peers was insignificant, and
accepting myself was what mattered in the long run. Pessimistic about the
chances of making good friends in high school, I looked to expand on the
small group of older friends I'd made through the University's computer
system. In this endeavor I was quite successful and started spending most
of my spare time with friends at least four years my senior. Noticing that
my friends were mostly college aged, and being very advanced in my studies,
I decided it would be in my best interest to leave Santa Cruz High School and
enroll at Cabrillo Community College.
At the present time, two and a half years later, I think that my
decision to move on to college was perhaps the wisest decision I've ever made.
At Cabrillo College, I've been able to study subjects unavailable in high
school and have made many new friends while becoming more and more involved
with the computer community at UCSC. For the last few years I've been involved
with an organization at UCSC called COAC (Council for Open Access Computing,
which works to make computer facilities on campus available to the general
student populace), of which I was recently elected to the executive committee.
While my computer interests have continued to grow, I've also found new
interest in many fields, including art, politics, and philosophy. When I
consider where I might be today had I not been inspired to pursue happiness
in the ways I've narrated in this essay, I grimace at the frustration I would
likely be experiencing. I am relieved but not surprised that the choices I
made turned out for the best, and would certainly offer them as options for
others in situations similar to the one I was in.
The essay worked. Or they let me in anyway. I graduated from UC Santa Cruz in 1995 at the age of 20.