The United States Flag

I often think about how the US flag should be redesigned. Because not only am I a communist and a traitor, I also have a vivid imagination. So I look at that rigid, busy symbol of our alleged patriotism with a sort of amusement as I imagine its eventual evolution or extinction.

First, I think the colors should change. For instance, wouldn't it be great if we had a "pride" US flag flying over the White House? Colors of the rainbow - that's something we can all get behind! Besides, most of us would have an easier time naming the seven dwarves than the thirteen colonies. They're antiquated! And we've got all 50 in the "star zone." Vote YES on the US PRIDE FLAG!

Then I think, wait a minute, why did the gays have to pick such, ehm, uh, GAY colors? I mean, couldn't we all get along and respect each other, you know, life healing sunshine, nature and spirit all in harmony with a palette of colors that Martha Stewart would approve for the den? I guess there are good reasons for the PRIDE flag to be BOLD, but it's fallen way out of sync with the Apple logo, and it's just so ... gay. Besides, kids would start passing out if they had to sing "every heart beats true, under red, orange, yellow, green, violet and blue" at 4th of July assemblies. We need to strive for less complicated, not more.

Red, white, blue. To change colors now would be too disruptive. We might as well call the whole country off. So, we've got our colors, we're feeling pretty good about that. Red, white, blue. Could we switch the order around?
It might require a few adjustments...

Hooray for the blue, white and red!
How we wish all non-Christians were dead!
Hooray for the blue, red, and white!
May we never pass up any fight!
Hooray for the white, red and blue!
I suppose you're okay, you're a Jew!
May our foes all wear stretch khakis too!
Their the emblem of,
The land we love,
Hooray! For those stretch khakis too!

Speaking of diplomacy - can't we just take some other country's flag? Let's keep the Red, White and Blue, but take over the French, er, I mean Freedom Flag. We're pissed at them, right? The tricolor! Yeah, we're cool with that! We thought of it first! It's ours now! Nuh uh! Finders keepers, loser's weepers! History, schmistory! Yeah we gonna get our flag on!

The Freedom Flag's colors are referred to as the "blue, white and red." That is so clearly backwards. We'd fix that in a hurry. The colors represent Paris and the King. We can work with that! It's about time Elvis got his due, and a small town in Texas will be very pleased! (They found their idiot!)

My country, 'tis of thee:
Elvis and Tommy Lee;
Of thee I sing.

Land where the oil wells dried
Land where no prisoner's tried
We love our chicken fried:
I'll take a wing!

It's looking pretty peachy from where I stand. But inevitably, somebody would get pissed about the stars. "I done liked them stars! Gimme my stars!" We just about crammed as many stars as we can into the flag. Why do you think Puerto Rico will never be a state? It's not political, it's practical! Nobody wants to figure out where to put the extra star! "No problemo," dice PR, "no debimos estrella." Pero we know they'd want one eventually. They all want a star eventually. Then we're fucked. It's probably best to keep the stars - if we got rid of the stars, people would start trying to sneak in states left and right. "Nobody will notice one teensy little extra state." The US flag, in addition to being the very symbol of everything I would sacrifice my life for, serves as a balance to thoughtless imperial expansion! Nobody gets a state until we figure out where to put the star!

So we're stuck with the red. The white. The blue. The stars. Maybe this flag changing business is more work than I'd bargained for. It's not so bad the way it is. Really. It mostly stays out of the way. Doesn't cause no harm. It burns real well. I likey BBQ. It has a strange, some might say eerie correlation with a number of patriotic songs - it's almost as if they were written with this particular flag in mind. I guess the old gal's really grown on me. Really become sort of a part of the family, hasn't she?

Yes, the flag is here to stay. Until the next flag, that is. Which will be red and white striped, with 50 smaller blue stars meticulously arranged in the shape of one larger star.

Puerto Rico's star.